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According to an online calculator, my carbon footprint is 3.83. Which, apparently, makes me and the average person from Turkey quite a bit less than almost everyone else – except the average Thai.

Those Californians should be ashamed of themselves! 22.5! What are they doing? Smoking the stuff?

But, of course, shame is the whole point! In reality, I have a carbon footprint of 0.0. It isn’t me, after all, which emits greenhouse gases! Not only that, I don’t produce anything which emits said gases. Hence, I have no carbon footprint.

Irrespective of whether I’m aboard, planes will fly. I don’t drive. Even if I did, I didn’t invent, invest in, or continue producing – despite viable alternatives – the internal combustion engine. Being alive, I have to eat. I don’t produce the food I eat, so same as with automobiles. Social custom insists I wear clothing, so same as with automobiles.

There may well be dirty great carbon footprints stomping all over this beautiful planet of ours – not mine, though. Any company that adheres to the cheapest form of production in order to heighten profits have carbon footprints. They are the ones who maintain the technology which emits greenhouse gases. I have little choice but to live in the world as it is, making use of the technology that I need in order to be a contributing member of society. For that, I accept no shame.

If reducing carbon emissions is the way to save the planet, the producers of those engines of destruction must accept the responsibility they hope to shame me into accepting

If they can fool me into believing that I’m doing my bit to save the planet by reducing my non-existent carbon footprint, they get to continue their planetary destruction while I feel the guilt.

Of course, herein lies the wub (to paraphrase Philip K. Dick). If we ordinary folk, who just want to get on with living our lives, really did accept carbon footprint guilt and all agreed that we should, together, reduce our emissions by absolutely refusing to drive, fly, or wear clothes, those commercial agents of death would have to change their manufacturing and service methods. Unless you are willing to adopt such drastic action, please, don’t try to make me feel the guilt of murdering a planet!

Our planet, our home, our mother is dying and our only response is to make our brothers and sisters believe it is their fault.

We all know who is to blame!

But Uncle Charlie is just too smooth. He makes us doubt ourselves.

It is likely that there is only science which will save our world. What we are blind to, it seems, is that it was only science – and it’s umbilically tied off-spring, technology – which killed the planet!

This is why I and you are encouraged to take responsibility for our carbon footprints; so we won’t wake up and smell the genetically engineered roses that have brought us to the edge of extinction.

Follow the science!

We hear it so often, these days. And we have followed the science – to our doom!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, science is one of the pinnacles of human achievement. I would place literature and film up there on the same level, myself, along with psychology, philosophy and beer!

I don’t mean to be flippant – or do I? I just don’t believe that science is the one and only best of human achievement. No scientific theory has, so far, lasted as long as a Shakespeare sonnet. Darwin is likely to be the first to produce a scientific theory that will prove of lasting value – but his Natural Selection will always be younger than Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

And don’t even dare make that facile comparison from utility. So, you can’t drive to work in a Shakespeare sonnet! So what? You can’t make a fortune from screaming like an eejit at a football match, yet millions of us do it! Why? Because we’re more than reason and theory. Some of us, at least, are human.

What we need right now is a truly human response to the crisis. No one who makes a profit, financially or otherwise, from planet-poisoning technology should have a say in the solution. Nor anyone who believes that science is the only beautiful thing we humans have ever produced. And, especially, those who believe we must be only reasoning, rational, logical, god-hating reductionists – they shouldn’t be allowed in the same building as the grown ups.

I have nothing against scientists per se – they do what the label says they do. I do have a huge issue with anyone who tries to convince me that their view of humanity is superior to mine because they have deluded themselves into believing that we are a fraction of our whole selves.

Religion causes war? Let’s rid ourselves of religion!

Religion has never caused a single war in the entire history of humanity!

The Romans accepted all gods – and conquered the known world!

Human beings cause war! Should we then just get rid of human beings?

The planet would certainly be grateful to us if we did!

Do not go gentle into that good night that science and technology have made of our future. Do not accept their guilt. Watch you footprints, if you like. Navel gazing has always been a popular activity – carbon footprint watching is just technological navel gazing. At least you won’t see the end coming!